I miss you

Yes, you. The one who I’ve met exactly a year ago. The one who I’ve been classmates with for a year. The one who keeps intriguing me with his brilliant mind. The one whose curiosity never fails to pique my interests, too. Yes, you. The one who makes me speechless whenever he speaks. The one who never fails to electrify my entire body with just one eye contact. The one who always lure butterflies in my stomach. The one.. who I almost had a chance to be with, but didn’t.

Honestly, I didn’t even remember your name the first time we introduced ourselves in class. You were just an ordinary senior for me. I was in my junior year and you were a graduating student. If only I paid much attention, I would’ve known what book you last read, what your favorite insect is and what weirdest thing you did with insects when you were still a kid. I only remembered your name because of your unending questions during our lectures and laboratory classes. You raise your hand, our professor calls your name. You always voice out those mind-boggling queries of yours (and I always support those questions with nods) and it was because of your fondness and thirst for knowledge that you’ve caught my attention.

There were times when, instead of staying in the lab, we went outside for field work. Wearing simple attires with insect nets on our hands, we ventured into our university’s unexplored fields. Concentrating on those tiny crawling/flying/hopping insects and chasing after big bugs and flies, I never thought that that’d be the time I’d notice you – how you look, how you dress, how you look gorgeous even in working pants and with sweat as your main accessory. I must admit, being a field worker really suits you (unlike me, who looks better doing lab work, I think). This attraction further grew and developed during our field trip. For three nights and four days, we were together. But what I didn’t understand was that how could we not be close to each other given that amount of time? Usually, classmates really become friends during field trips, even if the trip was only short-lived (even if there were no overnights!). But we had three overnights, and four freaking days, why.. What stopped us from talking and bonding with each other?

Was it me.. Was it you.. Was it the both of us.. No, I think it was just me. I think you tried your best to talk to me. That night when we were drinking was really one of my best field trip nights. After we finished drinking all the booze, we started sharing our love life stories. I was in our room when the storytelling started because I was soooo red due to the liquor but when my friend came in to tell me about the storytelling, I immediately prepared myself because I wanted to hear YOUR story. If you ever had previous girlfriends, if you ever courted someone before, the types of girls you like, everything. I was so darn curious about you. But to my surprise, when I sat there on my usual chair, YOU were the one who questioned ME. I played hard-to-get, I told everybody that I’d tell my story when my friend tells her story first, etc. when, it was almost my time to tell my story, you crawled under the table from your seat in front of me to sit right there beside me. You listened to my crazy story about the guys in my high school life. You listened about me being pissed about my first love. And I think that was what gave me out – being pissed at my ex, I think, made you think that I was not yet over him. I don’t know what’s with me back then but that first love experience was really not a good one and I think that’s what made me scared of falling in love and entrusting my heart to anyone again.

Time passed by and the sem’s almost officially over. We had our last exam during the last day and I thought that was the last time I’d see you. As usual, you finished ahead of me, passed your paper to our prof and left the room immediately. I was sad because we were going to have our semestral break, we’ll have new classes in the next semester and you’re graduating so I thought we’ll never be classmates again. That was a very ugly goodbye even for just a happy crush but, hey, my friends invited me to the mall that night and guess what? You were also there! We were sprinting there in the mall because we were catching the last full show for a certain movie and you were there, sitting in a coffee shop with your friends. I was really surprised and glad to see you there. You waved to me. I waved back. Though that was a short encounter with you, my heart was really filled with joy and I took that as a sign that maybe, we’ll still have our chance if we’re really meant to be.

During the beginning of the second semester, I was shocked to see you in one of my classes. You were in the corner, you were the only upperclassman there (I think) and I was sitting with my friends. That was for the first few days but after a few meetings, due to my crazy friend (who knows that I’m a bit(?) attracted to you), I got to sit next to you. I thought that would be the first and last time but HA! We sat next to each other for the remaining days of the sem. Why and how did that even happen?! I was quiet; I talked only to my friend who sat at my right. You were quiet, too; you had no seatmates except me and we were at the back part of the room so you really didn’t have anybody to talk to. I thought that you’d be bored by that but no. You stayed there beside me through the rest of the semester. (Or maybe you’re just introverted and you really didn’t want to talk to anyone for the rest of the sem? That’s weird.) We exchanged giggles, some looks, smiles and questions of “What did Sir/Ma’am just say?” but other than those, nothing. The biggest thing that happened during that time, as far as I could remember, was when I asked you if you wanted to share with me my snacks and when I complimented you about your drawing skills (those illustrations that somehow looked liked pokemons were really cute, believe me). What?! What was so wrong with us that with one entire year, we didn’t get the chance to have even just one meaningful conversation? Why didn’t we get the chance to get to know each other?

That was our year-long story of what ifs, of could’ves, should’ves and might’ves. Until now, I can’t quite understand why you entered and left a big impact in my life. Were you sent to me for me to get a better control of myself and my feelings/emotions? Were you sent to me in order for me to recognize that if I really want something, I should make a move and give a tad of effort to (at least try to) get it? Or were you sent to me to stay – to surprise me every time with your presence everywhere, to amaze me with your brilliant mind, your smart mouth and your bright eyes and smile? That, I do not know. But I do not want to raise my hopes high for this something that isn’t really something. Maybe, this was just even one-sided. I do not know. I really, really don’t. All I know now is that I miss you. I miss you. Even if I didn’t even had you.

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